Funny Marriage Quotes From Your Favorite Comedians

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These are some of the most funny things comedians have to say about marriage.

Ask married couples what the most important qualities are in a spouse and you will probably find “sense of humor”. It’s a good thing! It’s hard to be married, so if you can have a good time and laugh about it, you will be more likely (and each other) to make it work. We have compiled a list of jokes and quotes about marriage from some famous comedians to get you started.

“Before you decide to marry someone, you should make sure they use slow Internet so that you can see their true identity.” Will Ferrell

“Why should I buy the cow?” Perhaps because the cow constantly asks you when it’s coming to buy it. You share a tiny apartment with the cow, so you can’t avoid this question. The cow is far more adept at argument than you are… But, for real, why would anyone buy a cow? Let’s face it. Why would you buy a cow? Because you love her. It’s true. -John Mullaney

Being a good husband can be likened to being a comedian. Before you can be called a beginner, you need to have ten years of experience. -Jerry Seinfeld

“Some people wonder what the secret is to our long marriage. Two times per week, we take the time to visit a restaurant. We go out for dinner with a little candlelight and some soft music. I go Fridays and she goes Tuesdays. -Henny Youngman

“I love being married. It’s great to find the one person you love and will be a constant source of irritation for the rest your life. -Rita Rudner

“My wife made sure we registered for fine china because you never know when Pope Francis will stop by. -Jim Gaffigan

Imagine if marriage was not possible. Imagine the conversation. Imagine you were the guy, and you would be like.

“Only married people understand how it is possible to be happy and miserable at the same moment.” -Chris Rock

Spend a few minutes each day listening to your spouse. “No matter how silly his problems may seem to you. -Megan Mullally

I don’t want the stories of the struggle to keep sex interesting or the effort it takes to plan a date. I would love to see you guys share every episode of The Bachelorette in secret shame. Or that one got the other hooked onto Breaking Bad. If either watch it without the other, they are dead meat. I would love to see you guys give each other high fives like you’re teammates in a recreational softball league you both play for fun. Mindy Kaling

“All my friends get married. “I guess I’m at an age when people give up.” Amy Schumer

“Would you like to see what marriage really looks like?” Fine. She’s there when you wake up. She’s waiting for you when you get back from work. She’s there when you fall asleep. She’s there when you eat dinner. Do you know what? It sounds terrible, I’m sorry. Ray Barone

“Obviously, if a serious relationship was to be established with someone for a long-term period of time, my family would be the last people I would introduce him too. -Chelsea Handler

“F*ck it…that’s the attitude that keeps a whole family together. It’s not “We love one another.” It’s not ‘We love each other’. -Louis C.K.

“My wife was afraid to the dark… she then saw me naked, and now she is afraid of light.” -Rodney Dangerfield

“Marrying is hard because you have to deal both with your feelings and the lawyers.” -Richard Pryor

“Never discount the idea that marriage is possible. You might be told by someone that marriage is just a piece on paper. Money is also important, and there’s nothing more life-affirming that cold, hard cash. -Dennis Miller

“I am getting married today. My only worry is that I might say “I do” instead of “I do”. -Tig Notaro


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